How often do you think in the past? Or even the future? Over the last year, I’ve been doing exactly that. Constantly looking to the future, planning and organising what I could of the days I knew of. It started with handing in my resignation to work last year, knowing that if I had carried on in the same place for any longer, I would have missed the turning for where and what I really wanted to achieve. It has to be said, I’m proud of myself so far. Yes a little egotistic, but to be honest, we never give ourselves the gratitude we need sometimes. Everything in the last year has been down to my own decisions, with the help and direction of those closest to me.
Anyway, as I was saying, we are always looking into the future, which is consciously dictated by our past. Only now, have I slowed down enough to appreciate the moment. The last year has gone so fast, always thinking ahead. Now I am ‘ahead’ and I have no plans passed September it feels surreal yet liberating.
When I arrived in Italy, I was ignited with excitement; finally I had found myself half way around the world. However, as the days go passed with time spent trying to decode Italian conversations and helping with English language where needed, it is the flip side to my enthusiasm from the other day. As my Italian is not up to scratch, I spend most of my time sitting back, listening and observing body language and I hadn’t realised just how exhausting it is! My brain is making a constant buzzing sound, I’m surprised that I don’t have steam coming out of my ears sometimes. My eyes are watching as my ears are listening and picking words from their sentences like that of picking ripe fruit from a tree. Some conversations contain words that I haven’t got the foggiest clue what they mean and then there are some that I can follow just watching expressions and hearing the odd word like sorella (sister). What I find frustrating is that, by the time I understand what on earth is going on, the time has passed for me to make comment about it.
This frustration automatically has an effect, finally my brain stops, puts his hands on his hips and says “Right, I give up for now, I tried!” Many times this week I have got frustrated with not knowing more Italian and being able to follow a conversation. Stop. Stop. Stop. I have been here 6 days, I have never heard the language to this extent in my life, and I need to give a little credit and patience! I feel my mind wandering when sat at the table, staring into space, thinking about friends at home (both England and NZ), a few times I caught myself wishing I was somewhere else.
Now, I have realised that I do it; I am trying to teach myself not too! I made the decision to be here, and face it; I am so privileged to have this experience! This evening, I was at dinner with my family at their friends’ house and as my mind started wandering, this voice boomed into my head “Hey, oy! You! Pay attention, be here, right here, right now. You’re in a stunning house, sitting with lovely people, eating fantastic food and listening to a beautiful language! One day, you will look back on this! Take it in while you can!”
I lasted the best part of an hour before my mind was so exhausted. Present moment awareness is a difficult thing to achieve but this could be the best time and place to discipline my mind! I best start in small doses to avoid the steam out of my ears…
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